The only reason I survived is because I was too much of a failure in middle school to actually have a successful suicide attempt. So you are telling me I was essentially forced to murder my child for a reason other than pleasing some selfish asshole? Because if there is if like to fucking hear it. Do you realize how fucking ridiculous you sound?
I’m honestly a piece of shit. I killed a child that I wanted so dearly because I cared about pleasing some asshole more than I cared about my mental and emotional stability..I cared more about some asshole who would only kick me out and make me homeless a week after I killed my child. I care way too much about pleasing others but when I’ve had enough and make some bitter, pissy remark I feel like the asshole. I hate myself because I let someone use me like that after I’ve promised myself over and over that I was done putting up with peoples shit after I got out of my physically abusive biological fathers household. And then I promised myself once again after I got out of my step dads mentally and emotionally abusive household that I wouldn’t let anyone do that to me again. I hate that I was robbed of a proper childhood and I hate that I blame myself for all the beatings and borderline torture I was put through. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut and my head down things wouldn’t have been so bad. Maybe if I just gritted my teeth and dealt with it instead of lashing out I would have been better off. And I hate myself because I know I need some kind of help but I refuse to go to anyone and actually ask. I hate myself so fucking much and i know I’m destroying myself from the inside out.
I’m not. And I know I’m not.